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Aging

Having “the Talk.” Handing over the Keys.

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The other day, I was on the phone with my friend Anna when she screamed, “Stop, Jim, stop!  There’s a stop sign!  Phew! That was close.” 

She was a passenger in the car with her 80 something husband who refuses to relinquish the car keys.  Most of the time, she cajoles him into letting her drive but sometimes, especially for trips around town, Jim insists on getting behind the wheel.

Anna knows Jim should not be driving.  She’s tried hiding the car keys.  He made a spare set which he hides from her.  She’s thought of disabling his car.  But, Jim is pretty handy and he’d have it up and running in no time.  She has suggested less stressful routes.  But, Jim knows how to get “there” and doesn’t want to go a “longer” way.

What Anna hasn’t done is talk to Jim.  Her attempts to start a conversation have been rebuffed.  He doesn’t want to discuss it and she doesn’t want to start an argument.  She knows that being dependent on others to get where he wants to go would be devastating.  For Anna and Jim and other husbands and wives and parents and children, it’s hard to have “the talk.”

MH900442259Healthguide.org, a healthy aging help center, helps readers figure out when the time for “the talk” is right.  Diminished strength, coordination, and flexibility, problems with vision and hearing, reduced range of motion, and forgetfulness may be signs that driving should be curtailed.  If a driver has a few “close calls” like hitting the mailbox or begins receiving tickets or citations, or is driving erratically – too fast, no signals, sudden lane changes, it’s time.

It’s important to cover all the bases first.  If hearing or vision is a problem, will a hearing aid or new glasses help?  Can the manual transmission vehicle be replaced with one with an automatic transmission, power steering, and power brakes?  Are there slower roads?  Can driving be done only in daylight?  Is a senior driver refresher course available?  Sometimes, solutions like these can extend a person’s driving time.

But, if adjustments can’t be made, it is time for “the talk.”  The conversation should be respectful and helpful.  Emphasize safety, not only of the driver but of others on the road.  If possible identify options – public transit, senior shuttles, taxis, ridesharing or family, friends, and neighbors who would be willing to help out with transportation needs.

Anna is working up to “the talk.”  She’s spoken to Jim’s doctor and is trying to find a professional who can evaluate Jim’s driving behavior.  She’s going to bring in family members to reassure Jim of their support.  They all love Jim and want him to stay active and involved.  They just don’t want him driving.

~RAK

Feisty Granny Gives Impatient Driver His Comeuppance

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I am sure by now, you have seen the latest viral video, but let me share with you – my Mother would have loved the lady in this video!

Just case you haven’t seen the video….

“Good for her,” Mom would have said, adding, “old age ain’t for sissies, you know.”

MH900409517Of course, she stole that line from the late radio and television personality Art Linkletter.  But, he probably borrowed from Bette Davis or H.L. Mencken.  Whoever said it, was right.

Mom was active and sassy.  In her late 70s, she belonged to a community group, the Singing Seniors.  They would go to “the home” and entertain the “old people.”  She drove a mean scooter in the local grocery store.  But, even Mom had to slow down when she faced hip replacement surgery.

Just before the surgery, she and I were at an intersection in our town.  The light changed; the “Walk” signal appeared.  We started crossing the street very slowly.  The light counted down and we were still in the middle of the intersection.  Suddenly, we heard a loud, obnoxious, and prolonged car horn.  You know the sound –Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

Mom froze in the middle of the intersection!  Froze!  A car horn will do that to a person.  After a moment, Mom commenced her sojourn across the street.   I walked over to the offensive driver.

In a huff, the driver asked, “What’s the hold up?”

“My Mom’s crossing the street.  She needs a little more time.”

“Oh,” replied the driver sheepishly.

Aging is rough enough without having a young, impatient whippersnapper, like the one my Mother encountered or the one in this video, honk as you try to cross the street.

What was the driver thinking?  Did he think about his own Mom or Grammy?  Did he wonder if the pedestrian was impeded by a medical problem – arthritis, a bad leg or hip?  Did it occur to him that the aging process just slowed her down?  Did his brain process that the horn may have startled her and caused her to fall?

I don’t think he thought about anything but his precious time.  He had places to go after all.  And now, he had to wait for this old lady to cross the street.  I can hear him sigh deeply “Life is so unfair.”

Like many of us, he didn’t relate to the challenges of aging or old age.  We all need a little patience, a little understanding, and a little sympathy because one day we may be crossing the street.

My Mom also used to say, “It’s no fun getting old.”

In reply, I would ask, “Mom, what’s the alternative?”

~RAK